Summertime

Well, I don't know how most parents do it, but for us, we let the kids make up their own schedules and it works for us. There is a lot more sleep than I would have ever thought. In fact, last summer, we let Matt sleep for a couple of weeks (seriously it was something like that long), and he woke up like a half inch taller.

How do parents keep their kids on a schedule during the summer? Why do they do it? I'll never understand.

Maybe they need more control? What do you think?

An open letter in favor of loosening the dress code in BISD schools

Hello, everybody!

I received a Facebook update from one of my friends from my home town, Freeport, TX, asking me to participate in speaking out against a particular post about hair code and personal grooming / body adornment regulations loosening. His request reminded me of why I didn't like the city, the politics, or a lot of the people. Here's the post he was referencing: "Parents: What do you think of the changes Brazosport ISD made this week that allow boys to wear longer hair, earrings and facial hair, so long as it is well groomed? The school board also allowed visible tattoos on boys and girls, so long as they are not gang-related or offensive. Post your thoughts here. Some of them will be published in Sunday's print edition." I happen to think loosening things up is perfectly reasonable because there are far too many other things to really be concerned about.  Want the link to read the battle for yourself? https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=481887125164341&id=109047382448319

I posted an abbreviated version of this, as the limit for a post is 8000 characters:

Dear Citizens of Brazoria County, BISD School Board Members, and students of BISD,

I was made aware of this post ironically by a student of Brazosport High School that punched me in the face for allowing a rolled up piece of paper to land in his lap on a bus. He also happened to be a football player. There was no way I was going to let this pass.  This discussion of student control by fear and ignorance is near and dear to my heart. I am a survivor of Brazosport in general and Brazosport High School specifically. I graduated in 1985. The things my friends and I had to persevere could only be likened to living in a prison yard and / or an educational throwback to another time.

My thoughts on the matter can be summarized in some good old colloquialisms. From an historical perspective, I'm pretty sure these sayings were important enough to make it into our present day lexicon:

• Judge not lest ye be judged
• Don't judge a book by its cover
• Clothes don't make the man

Have we all collectively forgotten those? I would highly recommend a Google search on religious persecution or freedom of expression, or perhaps pick up a bible and do some reading on how to love and forgive one another. Check out the concept of separation of church and state. Maybe none of that's important to you because you're just "right." Careful... people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. That's a good phrase to live by, too.

But I digress.

In the 1980s, Brazosport High School had a draconian dress and hair code, and as far as I can tell, it provided nothing for school safety, educational harmony, or support of free thinking. In fact, the real problem in my opinion was the lack of administrative fairness and educational efficacy. Pretty much the same situation we're living with now. The only constant was the support of the status quo where popular factions were supported by administration and were allowed to cross clear lines of aberrant behavior. Certain groups passed through school on greased skids and  "undesirables" were allowed to get away with their disturbingly violent behaviors. These activities were supported or ignored by teachers that thought it was in the best interest of the school, or perhaps the best interest of their positions in the community. It’s hard to fight the system.  

I have hundreds of examples that happened at BHS, ALL done while we were under a draconian dress and hair code. I can get the victims to support these claims, if they feel comfortable to share. Many still have family in Brazosport that work in places that may suffer consequences for speaking out, so they would have to do that in a more "safe" manner.

While these "back in the old days, things were so much better" hair and dress code rules were in force, we lived through some bizarre situations in middle and high school: educational absenteeism on the part of the teachers; allowed and even sanctioned physical violence; schoolyard bullying; grisly attacks that were met with very little punitive action; rape; drug use; weapon possession; student smoking; teaching from the bible; teachers duct taping faces; teachers physically abusing children; condoned physical assault on in the form of hazing; teachers providing high grades to girls that flirted with them; teachers that slept through class; hung over alcoholic teachers; physical and verbal assaults on homosexuals; football team members that were allowed and encouraged to graduate without being able to read for themselves; and many more unbelievable acts that make my friends and family cringe to this day. If those seem over the top, and I do believe they do, I decide to add some examples:

• Educational absenteeism: my physics teacher knew no physics. He had the book with the answers, but the way he graded us was to have us write our answers on the blackboards. Whoever convinced him that their proof was most correct got it right.
• Sanctioned violence: a football player pushed a non-football player through a glass door during a packed lunch period in full view of all the students, faculty, and administration. Nothing happened to the football player, but the other student had to pay to repair the damage.
• Schoolyard bullying: My group of friends avoided assault by hiding in the library from middle school through the end of high school, due to constant physical attacks that happened on any day the library was closed. We were lucky.
• Grisly attacks were met with very little punitive action: in gym class, a friend had his MOUTH WASHED OUT BY STEEL WOOL, ripping his gums so badly blood was literally pouring from his mouth. The offender received 3 spanks with a paddle from the gym coach. Why report it to the police?
• Rape: a female friend was raped on campus. No teachers present in a courtyard, no punitive action.
• Drug use: marijuana and other drug use were happening on campus in sight of teachers and students.
• Weapon possession: knives, brass knuckles, and guns brought to school constantly and brandished at students. Reporting this to administration brought on more violence from the offenders.
• Student smoking: just outside the buildings. Students that came in reeking were not reprimanded.
• Teaching from the bible: Our biology teacher read from the textbook on evolution and then locked the doors to tell us "how it really happened," while he brought out his Bible and lectured us from Genesis.
• Duct taping faces: I personally had my face and head wrapped with duct taped by an elementary school teacher during an entire class day.
• Teachers physically abusing children: I personally was hit in the head along with anyone else that would speak out of turn by a teacher in elementary school. She flipped her class ring inside her palm and walloped us pretty damn hard.
• Condoned physical assault on in the form of hazing: hazing seemed fun on the surface, yet freshmen were beaten by seniors behind the scenes.
• Teachers providing high grades to girls that flirted with them: this was actually so rampant that it was a joke to all of us. Personally it irked me because it devalued the effort I put in to pass the classes. This situation of allowing people to pass because the school had a vested interest in them staying in athletics was well known between students and teachers.
• Teachers that slept through class: my English teacher in intermediate had narcolepsy and often slept through the entire class period.
• Hung over alcoholic teachers: one of my intermediate school teachers came in so hung over that she would sleep through class while we were told to read from our books.
• Physical and verbal assaults on homosexuals: things were so bad that in gym class they actually became the helpers that lived in the locked area and handed out towels and things of that nature from behind bars.
• Football team members that were allowed and encouraged to graduate without being able to read for themselves: my mother substituted and was told she had to read tests out loud to football players, and fill out their multiple choice responses. The regular teachers were actually feeding them all answers with verbal cues.

My point is that a hair / dress code has NOTHING to do with keeping children in a healthy place and in the right frame of mind to learn and to be respectful to an administration. In fact, the opposite is true. The more rules you put in place to "control" behavior, the more you put the administration and teaching staff in a situation where they are expected to enforce those rules, without being able to enforce them in a meaningful way.

Our school system has had its "teeth" pulled from it now, where teachers no longer have disciplinary support from administration, and teacher respect is extremely low. More should be done to support education: smaller class sizes, better educational materials, counseling services that help the families and community, community involvement, etc. Go watch "Waiting for Superman" for all the examples of how to stop making DROPOUT FACTORIES. BHS has been one for years. Go do the research and shock yourselves instead of expecting a dress code to fix it. That is small town thinking, and the more you perpetuate it, the worse you'll make it, and I'm sure the police force can give you the stats... People that graduate without literacy and the ability to perform critical thinking fill their cells. Go ahead... I dare you.

I believe I can share all of these because I do not live in Freeport any longer. I escaped. To those of you children that are living under the sick mentality of the people in power in Brazoria county: you CAN escape it. Get educated. Learn to think for yourself, not just to work inside the system. Find like-minded people that want to succeed at life and protect each other. Find ways to get safe: a supportive teacher, a friend's parents that have a safe home, align yourself with a church group that is free from religious persecution (they do exist, just keep trying them on for size), believe in yourselves, make an escape plan to avoid home violence, get counseling to learn some real life skills, use birth control, and find anything else you can do to keep yourself sane. You are a human being and deserve to be treated with respect. Believe in yourself even is no one else does. There really ARE places that let you be yourself; you'll just have to find them on your own because you may not have the support to have someone help you do it. Save your money in a bank and escape. The roads in Brazoria County can be the start of your journey; don't let them be your prison. Good luck and may the force be with you.

Sincerely,

Billy Joe Cain
Austin, TX
Class of '85


Fun facts:

• Our administration would actually cut students' hair on the campus with scissors if it was "too long."
• Our vice-principal had the longest hair in the school. He got away with it because it was a comb over.
• One of my friends was sent home because they wore a concert t-shirt that was "too provocative." The band: Yes.
• Our intermediate school gym teacher murdered the man his wife was having an affair with. He literally got away with murder by calling it an "act of passion," and he lived the rest of his life on disability, paid for by your tax dollars. He was the one that gave 3 licks to the bully that did the steel wool attack.

Small Town Proms

Freeport, Texas, 1985. The Brazosport High School senior prom committee puts out a request for seniors to submit their favorite music for the DJs at the prom.

Music to my earholes! For the next two months, I invest hours and hours building a list of danceable rock tunes that are slightly off center, getting advice and feedback from my friends. For years I had been organizing dances and parties that had nothing to do with Top 40, so I felt uniquely qualified to produce a world class dance setlist.

The final list was around 200 songs, with slow, intimate dance music interspersed with more energetic tunes. We're talking about slightly deeper cuts from The Cars and Pat Benatar here along with some slow April Wine, not Iron Maiden or King Crimson, but the point isn't what the song list was...

When I arrived at prom, I ran inside and hit up the DJ to see what they wound up bringing. He responded "They told us to ONLY bring Top 40."

Are you fucking kidding me?

"Well, it's a good thing I brought some backups just in case. I was afraid that might happen." I raced out to my car to grab the 20 or so rock albums I figured I would need in case of "emergency."

My friends and I stayed until we got to dance to a handful of our music, including some Joe "King" Carrasco that is still amazingly danceable, and get our pictures made. When I took the albums, the DJ thanked me and said he wished we'd stay so he could keep some variety going. You could see his soul being crushed if you looked hard enough.

Fuck that place. Why did everything there have to be so ridiculous?

If YOU are in a small-minded town that you cannot change, just get out. Leave it to them. You will thank yourself every day afterwards. I have NEVER regretted it; only that I didn't leave sooner. Follow your heart.

Pro-choice women: "Shave off your hair and become lesbians."

During the SB 5 protests at the Texas State Capitol this June, my family and I endured quite a bit of intolerance from the supporters of SB 5. 

As you may know, my daughter was at the center of a lot of hatred during this entire situation due to her sign supporting choice and women's reproductive freedom. You can read more throughout my blog.

The other day I was looking through my photos and I found some from the day that Tuesday made her sign and I wanted to share a couple with you. 

They say what they mean

She had written two signs that were really part of the same message: Please keep your religion out of our legal system; it's not bad, but really, keep it out.

We had been at the Capitol for four days, listening to scientific and rational arguments about why the proposed law was bad for women, bad for freedom, bad for the economically challenged, and had been made to endure the failure of each and every amendment being dismissed all day. It was dismal. Add on the fact that people were telling us how Jesus didn't approve of our "side," or pre-marital sex, or any number of other guilt-ridden comments and you can see where her opinion was formed. (For those of you that may think "why didn't she say Mohammed or someone else?" - it's because his followers weren't yelling at her all week).

So when Tuesday and her friend were protesting with these signs in the Capitol Rotunda, a man started shouting at them and his screaming culminated with "you should shave off your hair and become lesbians, because no man would want you."

And he means what he says

He was standing to my right and they were standing to my left. He saw their signs and he just lost it. He was hollerin' at them at the top of his lungs. There's just no other way to say it. HOLLERIN'! I was surprised a grown man would be that upset, so I asked him why he would say those things. He screamed at me for a while and said that "no man would want to marry them!" A GROWN MAN was telling her that she was worthless (at least in his eyes). 

Luckily a state trooper came to her rescue and walked up behind him, tapped him on his shoulder and informed him that he needed to "protest in that direction," pointing to the center of the rotunda. It was a moment of beauty, honestly. The man continued rambling and never did respond to my questions: "Why would you say that to a little girl?" and "What did you mean by that?"


What's going on in this man's head? I had SO many more questions! 

• If you protest laws against women's freedom are you a lesbian?
• If you are a young girl should you have no voice in politics?
• If you have an opinion about abortion you must be a lesbian? 
• All lesbians have no hair?
• Shaving your hair makes you a lesbian?
• Men don't want lesbians?
• Lesbians are bad?
• Men don't want women with opinions?
• Men don't want women with opinions about freedom? Sex? Quantity of babies?
• Women shouldn't be allowed to have sex for pleasure? 
• Young women shouldn't know about having sex for pleasure?
• Young women shouldn't know about sex or birth control?
• Sex is about having babies only? 
• The only reason you exist as a woman is to get married?
• Your self-worth should be tied to making a man happy?

So many questions!! I really just don't get it. I still don't know what that means.

Young women can have an opinion about what happens to their bodies. In fact they are exactly who should have an opinion. Who else is with them and their bodies 24 hours a day? 

Honestly I was dumbfounded at the time and I'm still dumbfounded. 

Just after this incident, we went out to one of the hallways of the rotunda to discuss it together. Being yelled at by a grown man hurt my daughter's friend's feelings. I could tell that it shook her foundations. We needed to talk it out. After we had discussed it for quite some time, and after more people came by to take pictures of the sign that were in total support, she felt better. 

Afterward, I was checking the interwebs for more information about what was happening with the amendments. I was watching Twitter when I saw a picture of the sign hit the internet. The shock of being called a whore online almost immediately can't be good for a little girl's sense of self, so that's when I decided it was time to get online and defend these children against this level of ignorance. That's its own story.

The battle for this round of women's rights in Texas was lost that day, but the war goes on. Our story was a minor footnote, but we did what we wanted to do: get the attention of people around the world to show them how women's rights were being trampled in the United States, and, in particular, Texas. My daughter's words did it. I am proud of my daughter and her friend for standing up for their, and ALL women's, rights and for not backing away sheepishly into the night. Because people like this man exist everywhere, and they don't often say what they're thinking in public. They oppress their wives and daughters. They vote women's rights away. They think they're doing the right thing. 

And they are wrong.

On second thought... Maybe I should thank this guy for crystallizing it for me. What do you think? They say the Lord works in mysterious ways...

That is exactly what you think it is. 

Slut Shaming, Misogyny, and Why Women are Responsible for Luring Men into Wanting Sex (not)

Women can't get pregnant without sperm, right? But is it their fault that men want to have sex with them? Are they responsible for saying "no?" Is it their responsibility to not get pregnant?

In the last few months, I have read and fielded thousands of online abortion discussion posts that are anti-choice. Well, really "pro-live birth." Thousands.

You see, in July, 2013, my daughter wrote a sign to protest Texas' "Women's Health" legislation, Senate Bill 5. This bill, now a law, "is plainly intended to interfere with the patient-physician relationship and restrict the reproductive rights of women in Texas," , according to the 58,000 member American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).

What's the most surprising type of comment I've read throughout this time? Concern for the mother? Concern for our freedom of choice? A lack of widely spread factual information? Politics happening behind closed doors? The righteousness of organized religion to have legislators force their beliefs on the population? Bible quotes? Comments about Tuesday's sign's "vulgarity?" Nope. I expected those. The most surprising comments I have seen/read blame the woman for getting pregnant and being told that "they should have known better." And wow, there are plenty. Here's a good one, blaming the woman for "spreading [her] legs."

What happened to the "male influence" on those pregnancies? Men are (at least) 50% responsible for these pregnancies and they are hardly taken to task.

Misogyny and slut-shaming is rampant in all abortion discussions I have been part of, either explicitly or implicitly. Here's one aimed at my 14 year old daughter:

Let's call up Wikipedia: "Misogyny is the hatred or dislike of women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women. Misogyny has been characterised as a prominent feature of the mythologies of the ancient world as well as various religions. In addition, many influential Western philosophers have been described as misogynistic. The male counterpart of misogyny is misandry, the hatred or dislike of men; the antonym of misogyny is philogyny, the love or fondness of women."

Here are a couple of real comments I have read during this abortion debate:

• "Why can't women just be smart enough to use contraceptives from the start? Why should their lack of responsibility go un-punished. Abortion should not be used like a contraceptive. Just saying......"
• "Don't worry little girl Jesus wouldn't have anything to do with you cause only God only knows where that vagina has been and with who."
• "Has anyone asked this little girl if she is glad her mom didn't accidentally get pregnant and choose to abort her?"
• "The proud father, he raised a sausage slurper."
• "With a father like that she will be a stripper strung out on drugs in no time." - "Oh. I see. The chubby, shabbily dressed pulchritudinous-challenged girl actually made the sign." {pul·chri·tu·di·nous - adj. Characterized by or having great physical beauty and appeal.}
• "In other words, there are female contraception methods that you can always be prepared to make us of if there is any risk of you getting raped."
• "Aha, but Mommy is probably advocating a sexually active lifestyle for her little lovely girl hoping she gets pregnant so they can kill a fetus."

Want to see more? Check this out: "14 Year old Womens Rights Activist Attacked Online" 

Who is taking up the reigns of taking the men to task for their role here? Why is it that parents aren't teaching their boys better? In fact, just this week Tuesday and I were pointed to a blog post named "FYI (if you’re a teenage girl)," where a mother is, essentially, saying that her boys can't be controlled when they see sultry pictures on the internet. What? Who is parenting these children?

Tuesday wrote a response to the original article - you can read her response here. So far the comments have been amazingly positive, but who knows.

What I want to know is this: why are men not taught to be responsible? Where are the parents that are modeling correct behavior? Why should it be the woman that's held to task? Why are their bodies the ones that are taboo? Men can run around completely topless without a problem. I don't get it. 

My wife and I just ordered Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood and Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men to see if they'd be good books not only for us to share with our son, but to see if they are worth recommending. If you've heard of them or a better book, I'd love to hear it. 

Someone has to stop this runaway train, and it is you. 

Real life abortion story - Let's call her Carly

To humanize this discussion, I asked people to send in some real life stories. I have not even typo corrected these. Please understand these are as REAL as I can provide.

A good friend of mine in college had to drop out due to an unwanted pregnancy (which we later discovered was from rape. She had sadly been too embarrassed and shocked to admit it had been rape). Her parents nevertheless knew what caused the pregnancy, but due to their strict religious beliefs they threatened to cut her off completely if she got an abortion. She carried the baby to term, but you could see the shame and embarrassment in her eyes almost every day. She eventually had to drop out, because she could no longer play soccer and lost her athletic scholarship. It was maddening. She ended up giving the baby up for adoption and hasn't spoken to her parents for almost three years now. It's just infuriating that situations like hers still happen in modern times.

Please share YOUR story with billyfingcain@gmail.com and I will make your story into a blog post. Stay as general as you like. No need to identify anyone. I’m changing names to start with A-Z as the case may be.

When Does Life Begin?

I believe that there is no way to "scientifically" prove a primarily philosophical question: “when does life begin?”

Whether I, or anyone, could define in terms that would irrevocably determine and prove that the concept of life made sense to ascribe to a set of DNA / RNA or chromosome pairs doesn't really matter one bit.

The question doesn’t even address the issue that is at stake for women. Here is the real question in my mind and spirit: "Does a woman have the right to decide if she must carry every pregnancy to term?" Ultimately that is the only philosophical question that is worth debating in my opinion.

Let me state that as clearly as I can: Does she have the RIGHT to decide?

Women have only recently (within the last century or so) been given the opportunity to decide their reproductive fate. They now can join the workforce, complete school, vote, and not be property of men in general. They don’t even die in childbirth very much, compared to a few decades ago. The list of real world events that birth control has allowed them to take part in fully is long and varied. Longer than I can even list. And it is worth mentioning.

Do women deserve the right to have reproductive freedom? Yes. Clearly they must have it to retain their advances and involvement in society.

Maybe the question is "Do *we* have the right to decide if a woman can have reproductive freedom?" I say we do not.

Why do I say that this is the real issue regarding the beginning of life? I have recently been involved in literally thousands of micro-conversations, blogs, tweets, and personal emails in the last few weeks and no one, and I mean no one, has been able to point me at anything, that makes one bit of sense scientifically that would make one bit of a difference to the skeptics, if you'd call them that, on either side.

On the other hand, I have received plenty of data, information, and personal stories that show me that by allowing people to have access to abortion, they are able to move on with their lives and eventually get past the fact that they needed to have an abortion. For those that were in a place where abortion was not embarrassing or shameful, their lives were easier to get on with. For those that were shamed mercilessly, they weren't.

It is my opinion that the more we debate the philosophical issues of "when does life begin" or "when does a person start" on a Facebook wall instead of "do we have the right to shame a women into taking every pregnancy to term", we are doing more harm than good. We are, essentially, off topic.

The mindset I have been trying to get my head into is this one that I am certain plays out in the minds of many women...

"I wake up every morning and I realize that I am carrying an unfertilized egg in my belly. I know that if it becomes fertilized, I will be forced to have it change everything about my body, from the way I enjoy taste to the size of my feet. Once that egg becomes fertilized, people will judge me. They will say I am a slut if I am not married and if I am married and give it up for adoption, I'll be asked about where the child is for the rest of my life. It will cause me emotional issues while I carry it, because a body goes through many hormonal changes while pregnant and there are always psychological issues I will have to deal with based upon my personal situation. I will have to go to a lot of doctor visits to keep it healthy and safe. I will have to take off work to have the baby. I will have to recover after I have the baby no matter what, and if there are complications, they may incapacitate or kill me. If I have to have a C-Section, that's pretty major surgery and I'll have to recover for quite some time. All of this will cost thousands or tens of thousands of dollars. Who will help me through all of this? Being impregnated is a really big deal."

And that's in an ideal situation, where a woman knows what's going on and the details of what could happen to her.

This discussion has to happen in the cases of all situations:

- date rape

- incest

- contraceptive failure

- stillbirth

- fetal abnormalities

- adultery

- and millions of other situations we cannot imagine

How can we possibly legislate anything so personal? How can we write a law that is "humane" for the mother?

Can we legislate kindness, sympathy, empathy, compassion, understanding, removal of guilt, removal of shame, absolution for sin, paternal responsibility, etc?

Can we force men to take responsibility? Women?

I posit that we cannot. I posit that this is a decision that must be made by the mother. The egg carrier. The woman that will be branded and shamed in public when she is carrying that very obvious pregnancy that she did not want. The person that will, statistically, stay with that child rather than the father.

Who are we to decide that women have to take every pregnancy to term? Who are we as a society when we force women to be subject to the mechanics of their body when they are not fully in control of what happens to them?

Would anyone want to go in front of a tribunal to discuss how their body was violated? How many people would you have to convince that you were raped? How many documents would you have to sign to say you couldn't afford to feed that baby? Where is the signature page that will allow you to remove the shame of a small town?

It is by mercy of us as a society that women do not have to stand, naked in spirit or physicality, in front of a judging body that determines whether her reasons for an abortion are reasonable enough. Who would be on that panel? Your local congressmen? Your neighbor? Your pastor? How dare we judge? How dare we!

To me, the question isn't "where does life begin?" The question is how dare we make them feel guilty for being a human being with reproductive organs?

Who or what gives us the right to question their decision?