Small Town Proms

Freeport, Texas, 1985. The Brazosport High School senior prom committee puts out a request for seniors to submit their favorite music for the DJs at the prom.

Music to my earholes! For the next two months, I invest hours and hours building a list of danceable rock tunes that are slightly off center, getting advice and feedback from my friends. For years I had been organizing dances and parties that had nothing to do with Top 40, so I felt uniquely qualified to produce a world class dance setlist.

The final list was around 200 songs, with slow, intimate dance music interspersed with more energetic tunes. We're talking about slightly deeper cuts from The Cars and Pat Benatar here along with some slow April Wine, not Iron Maiden or King Crimson, but the point isn't what the song list was...

When I arrived at prom, I ran inside and hit up the DJ to see what they wound up bringing. He responded "They told us to ONLY bring Top 40."

Are you fucking kidding me?

"Well, it's a good thing I brought some backups just in case. I was afraid that might happen." I raced out to my car to grab the 20 or so rock albums I figured I would need in case of "emergency."

My friends and I stayed until we got to dance to a handful of our music, including some Joe "King" Carrasco that is still amazingly danceable, and get our pictures made. When I took the albums, the DJ thanked me and said he wished we'd stay so he could keep some variety going. You could see his soul being crushed if you looked hard enough.

Fuck that place. Why did everything there have to be so ridiculous?

If YOU are in a small-minded town that you cannot change, just get out. Leave it to them. You will thank yourself every day afterwards. I have NEVER regretted it; only that I didn't leave sooner. Follow your heart.

Pro-choice women: "Shave off your hair and become lesbians."

During the SB 5 protests at the Texas State Capitol this June, my family and I endured quite a bit of intolerance from the supporters of SB 5. 

As you may know, my daughter was at the center of a lot of hatred during this entire situation due to her sign supporting choice and women's reproductive freedom. You can read more throughout my blog.

The other day I was looking through my photos and I found some from the day that Tuesday made her sign and I wanted to share a couple with you. 

They say what they mean

She had written two signs that were really part of the same message: Please keep your religion out of our legal system; it's not bad, but really, keep it out.

We had been at the Capitol for four days, listening to scientific and rational arguments about why the proposed law was bad for women, bad for freedom, bad for the economically challenged, and had been made to endure the failure of each and every amendment being dismissed all day. It was dismal. Add on the fact that people were telling us how Jesus didn't approve of our "side," or pre-marital sex, or any number of other guilt-ridden comments and you can see where her opinion was formed. (For those of you that may think "why didn't she say Mohammed or someone else?" - it's because his followers weren't yelling at her all week).

So when Tuesday and her friend were protesting with these signs in the Capitol Rotunda, a man started shouting at them and his screaming culminated with "you should shave off your hair and become lesbians, because no man would want you."

And he means what he says

He was standing to my right and they were standing to my left. He saw their signs and he just lost it. He was hollerin' at them at the top of his lungs. There's just no other way to say it. HOLLERIN'! I was surprised a grown man would be that upset, so I asked him why he would say those things. He screamed at me for a while and said that "no man would want to marry them!" A GROWN MAN was telling her that she was worthless (at least in his eyes). 

Luckily a state trooper came to her rescue and walked up behind him, tapped him on his shoulder and informed him that he needed to "protest in that direction," pointing to the center of the rotunda. It was a moment of beauty, honestly. The man continued rambling and never did respond to my questions: "Why would you say that to a little girl?" and "What did you mean by that?"


What's going on in this man's head? I had SO many more questions! 

• If you protest laws against women's freedom are you a lesbian?
• If you are a young girl should you have no voice in politics?
• If you have an opinion about abortion you must be a lesbian? 
• All lesbians have no hair?
• Shaving your hair makes you a lesbian?
• Men don't want lesbians?
• Lesbians are bad?
• Men don't want women with opinions?
• Men don't want women with opinions about freedom? Sex? Quantity of babies?
• Women shouldn't be allowed to have sex for pleasure? 
• Young women shouldn't know about having sex for pleasure?
• Young women shouldn't know about sex or birth control?
• Sex is about having babies only? 
• The only reason you exist as a woman is to get married?
• Your self-worth should be tied to making a man happy?

So many questions!! I really just don't get it. I still don't know what that means.

Young women can have an opinion about what happens to their bodies. In fact they are exactly who should have an opinion. Who else is with them and their bodies 24 hours a day? 

Honestly I was dumbfounded at the time and I'm still dumbfounded. 

Just after this incident, we went out to one of the hallways of the rotunda to discuss it together. Being yelled at by a grown man hurt my daughter's friend's feelings. I could tell that it shook her foundations. We needed to talk it out. After we had discussed it for quite some time, and after more people came by to take pictures of the sign that were in total support, she felt better. 

Afterward, I was checking the interwebs for more information about what was happening with the amendments. I was watching Twitter when I saw a picture of the sign hit the internet. The shock of being called a whore online almost immediately can't be good for a little girl's sense of self, so that's when I decided it was time to get online and defend these children against this level of ignorance. That's its own story.

The battle for this round of women's rights in Texas was lost that day, but the war goes on. Our story was a minor footnote, but we did what we wanted to do: get the attention of people around the world to show them how women's rights were being trampled in the United States, and, in particular, Texas. My daughter's words did it. I am proud of my daughter and her friend for standing up for their, and ALL women's, rights and for not backing away sheepishly into the night. Because people like this man exist everywhere, and they don't often say what they're thinking in public. They oppress their wives and daughters. They vote women's rights away. They think they're doing the right thing. 

And they are wrong.

On second thought... Maybe I should thank this guy for crystallizing it for me. What do you think? They say the Lord works in mysterious ways...

That is exactly what you think it is. 

Slut Shaming, Misogyny, and Why Women are Responsible for Luring Men into Wanting Sex (not)

Women can't get pregnant without sperm, right? But is it their fault that men want to have sex with them? Are they responsible for saying "no?" Is it their responsibility to not get pregnant?

In the last few months, I have read and fielded thousands of online abortion discussion posts that are anti-choice. Well, really "pro-live birth." Thousands.

You see, in July, 2013, my daughter wrote a sign to protest Texas' "Women's Health" legislation, Senate Bill 5. This bill, now a law, "is plainly intended to interfere with the patient-physician relationship and restrict the reproductive rights of women in Texas," , according to the 58,000 member American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).

What's the most surprising type of comment I've read throughout this time? Concern for the mother? Concern for our freedom of choice? A lack of widely spread factual information? Politics happening behind closed doors? The righteousness of organized religion to have legislators force their beliefs on the population? Bible quotes? Comments about Tuesday's sign's "vulgarity?" Nope. I expected those. The most surprising comments I have seen/read blame the woman for getting pregnant and being told that "they should have known better." And wow, there are plenty. Here's a good one, blaming the woman for "spreading [her] legs."

What happened to the "male influence" on those pregnancies? Men are (at least) 50% responsible for these pregnancies and they are hardly taken to task.

Misogyny and slut-shaming is rampant in all abortion discussions I have been part of, either explicitly or implicitly. Here's one aimed at my 14 year old daughter:

Let's call up Wikipedia: "Misogyny is the hatred or dislike of women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including sexual discrimination, denigration of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification of women. Misogyny has been characterised as a prominent feature of the mythologies of the ancient world as well as various religions. In addition, many influential Western philosophers have been described as misogynistic. The male counterpart of misogyny is misandry, the hatred or dislike of men; the antonym of misogyny is philogyny, the love or fondness of women."

Here are a couple of real comments I have read during this abortion debate:

• "Why can't women just be smart enough to use contraceptives from the start? Why should their lack of responsibility go un-punished. Abortion should not be used like a contraceptive. Just saying......"
• "Don't worry little girl Jesus wouldn't have anything to do with you cause only God only knows where that vagina has been and with who."
• "Has anyone asked this little girl if she is glad her mom didn't accidentally get pregnant and choose to abort her?"
• "The proud father, he raised a sausage slurper."
• "With a father like that she will be a stripper strung out on drugs in no time." - "Oh. I see. The chubby, shabbily dressed pulchritudinous-challenged girl actually made the sign." {pul·chri·tu·di·nous - adj. Characterized by or having great physical beauty and appeal.}
• "In other words, there are female contraception methods that you can always be prepared to make us of if there is any risk of you getting raped."
• "Aha, but Mommy is probably advocating a sexually active lifestyle for her little lovely girl hoping she gets pregnant so they can kill a fetus."

Want to see more? Check this out: "14 Year old Womens Rights Activist Attacked Online" 

Who is taking up the reigns of taking the men to task for their role here? Why is it that parents aren't teaching their boys better? In fact, just this week Tuesday and I were pointed to a blog post named "FYI (if you’re a teenage girl)," where a mother is, essentially, saying that her boys can't be controlled when they see sultry pictures on the internet. What? Who is parenting these children?

Tuesday wrote a response to the original article - you can read her response here. So far the comments have been amazingly positive, but who knows.

What I want to know is this: why are men not taught to be responsible? Where are the parents that are modeling correct behavior? Why should it be the woman that's held to task? Why are their bodies the ones that are taboo? Men can run around completely topless without a problem. I don't get it. 

My wife and I just ordered Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood and Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men to see if they'd be good books not only for us to share with our son, but to see if they are worth recommending. If you've heard of them or a better book, I'd love to hear it. 

Someone has to stop this runaway train, and it is you. 

Real life abortion story - Let's call her Carly

To humanize this discussion, I asked people to send in some real life stories. I have not even typo corrected these. Please understand these are as REAL as I can provide.

A good friend of mine in college had to drop out due to an unwanted pregnancy (which we later discovered was from rape. She had sadly been too embarrassed and shocked to admit it had been rape). Her parents nevertheless knew what caused the pregnancy, but due to their strict religious beliefs they threatened to cut her off completely if she got an abortion. She carried the baby to term, but you could see the shame and embarrassment in her eyes almost every day. She eventually had to drop out, because she could no longer play soccer and lost her athletic scholarship. It was maddening. She ended up giving the baby up for adoption and hasn't spoken to her parents for almost three years now. It's just infuriating that situations like hers still happen in modern times.

Please share YOUR story with billyfingcain@gmail.com and I will make your story into a blog post. Stay as general as you like. No need to identify anyone. I’m changing names to start with A-Z as the case may be.

When Does Life Begin?

I believe that there is no way to "scientifically" prove a primarily philosophical question: “when does life begin?”

Whether I, or anyone, could define in terms that would irrevocably determine and prove that the concept of life made sense to ascribe to a set of DNA / RNA or chromosome pairs doesn't really matter one bit.

The question doesn’t even address the issue that is at stake for women. Here is the real question in my mind and spirit: "Does a woman have the right to decide if she must carry every pregnancy to term?" Ultimately that is the only philosophical question that is worth debating in my opinion.

Let me state that as clearly as I can: Does she have the RIGHT to decide?

Women have only recently (within the last century or so) been given the opportunity to decide their reproductive fate. They now can join the workforce, complete school, vote, and not be property of men in general. They don’t even die in childbirth very much, compared to a few decades ago. The list of real world events that birth control has allowed them to take part in fully is long and varied. Longer than I can even list. And it is worth mentioning.

Do women deserve the right to have reproductive freedom? Yes. Clearly they must have it to retain their advances and involvement in society.

Maybe the question is "Do *we* have the right to decide if a woman can have reproductive freedom?" I say we do not.

Why do I say that this is the real issue regarding the beginning of life? I have recently been involved in literally thousands of micro-conversations, blogs, tweets, and personal emails in the last few weeks and no one, and I mean no one, has been able to point me at anything, that makes one bit of sense scientifically that would make one bit of a difference to the skeptics, if you'd call them that, on either side.

On the other hand, I have received plenty of data, information, and personal stories that show me that by allowing people to have access to abortion, they are able to move on with their lives and eventually get past the fact that they needed to have an abortion. For those that were in a place where abortion was not embarrassing or shameful, their lives were easier to get on with. For those that were shamed mercilessly, they weren't.

It is my opinion that the more we debate the philosophical issues of "when does life begin" or "when does a person start" on a Facebook wall instead of "do we have the right to shame a women into taking every pregnancy to term", we are doing more harm than good. We are, essentially, off topic.

The mindset I have been trying to get my head into is this one that I am certain plays out in the minds of many women...

"I wake up every morning and I realize that I am carrying an unfertilized egg in my belly. I know that if it becomes fertilized, I will be forced to have it change everything about my body, from the way I enjoy taste to the size of my feet. Once that egg becomes fertilized, people will judge me. They will say I am a slut if I am not married and if I am married and give it up for adoption, I'll be asked about where the child is for the rest of my life. It will cause me emotional issues while I carry it, because a body goes through many hormonal changes while pregnant and there are always psychological issues I will have to deal with based upon my personal situation. I will have to go to a lot of doctor visits to keep it healthy and safe. I will have to take off work to have the baby. I will have to recover after I have the baby no matter what, and if there are complications, they may incapacitate or kill me. If I have to have a C-Section, that's pretty major surgery and I'll have to recover for quite some time. All of this will cost thousands or tens of thousands of dollars. Who will help me through all of this? Being impregnated is a really big deal."

And that's in an ideal situation, where a woman knows what's going on and the details of what could happen to her.

This discussion has to happen in the cases of all situations:

- date rape

- incest

- contraceptive failure

- stillbirth

- fetal abnormalities

- adultery

- and millions of other situations we cannot imagine

How can we possibly legislate anything so personal? How can we write a law that is "humane" for the mother?

Can we legislate kindness, sympathy, empathy, compassion, understanding, removal of guilt, removal of shame, absolution for sin, paternal responsibility, etc?

Can we force men to take responsibility? Women?

I posit that we cannot. I posit that this is a decision that must be made by the mother. The egg carrier. The woman that will be branded and shamed in public when she is carrying that very obvious pregnancy that she did not want. The person that will, statistically, stay with that child rather than the father.

Who are we to decide that women have to take every pregnancy to term? Who are we as a society when we force women to be subject to the mechanics of their body when they are not fully in control of what happens to them?

Would anyone want to go in front of a tribunal to discuss how their body was violated? How many people would you have to convince that you were raped? How many documents would you have to sign to say you couldn't afford to feed that baby? Where is the signature page that will allow you to remove the shame of a small town?

It is by mercy of us as a society that women do not have to stand, naked in spirit or physicality, in front of a judging body that determines whether her reasons for an abortion are reasonable enough. Who would be on that panel? Your local congressmen? Your neighbor? Your pastor? How dare we judge? How dare we!

To me, the question isn't "where does life begin?" The question is how dare we make them feel guilty for being a human being with reproductive organs?

Who or what gives us the right to question their decision?

Real life abortion story - Let's call her Brody

To humanize this discussion, I asked people to send in some real life stories. I have not even typo corrected these. Please understand these are as REAL as I can provide.

I have a personal story.. When I was 7 years old my mom met a man that she thought was great but behind that greatness was a dark side and when she was not around he molested me and my younger sister when he raped me and I told finally her what was happening he was finally put in jail. Why I am sharing this is because I know that if I had been 14 and this happened it might of ended with a child and one that would not of been very loved by me and I know that instead of bringing it to birth I would of wanted the ability to remove the baby I believe because of my experience in the past that there are very legit reason why a woman should be able to choose while I do feel a life is a life and should be respected in every way there are those reasons whatever they may that a woman needs to have the right over there bodys.vil.

Please share YOUR story with billyfingcain@gmail.com and I will make your story into a blog post. Stay as general as you like. No need to identify anyone. I’m changing names to start with A-Z as the case may be.

Real life abortion story - Let's call her Abby.

To humanize this discussion, I asked people to send in some real life stories. I have not even typo corrected these. Please understand these are as REAL as I can provide.

I grew up in a working class family in California. I am one of four children (my parents had only planned for two). After my eldest siblings were born, my mother went on birth control pills. Unfortunately, she found out she was pregnant again 14 months later. She had an emergency C-section when my brother was less than six months in utero. His chances of survival were very low, and he remained in the hospital in an incubator for five months. My mother resumed birth control, but then got pregnant with me. After I was born she had an IUD put in (in addition to taking the pill), but became pregnant a fifth time. By then, four young children were straining my parent’s finances and affecting their sanity. They felt they couldn't manage a fifth child, and my mother felt she couldn’t handle another pregnancy. It was still prior Roe vs. Wade, and in order to prevent the birth they had to go to Mexico to have a coat hanger style abortion. Thankfully, my mother survived.

I was 21 when I had my first serious boyfriend…at least I thought he was serious. I was just beginning my career, and, using birth control. I was travelling in and out for work a lot, and on one trip back I discovered that my boyfriend had become a heroine addict, and was hiding it from me. I ended the relationship immediately, and flew home to my family. Within days of arrival, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was so devastated. I had always wanted a baby…but not like this and not with a heroine addict. My mother took me to a local private clinic, and helped me through what is a traumatic experience for any woman. I found out some years later that this ex-boyfriend had been diagnosed with HIV. When I heard, I felt like I dodged a bullet. I was so thankful that women like my mother had stood up and fought for Roe vs. Wade in effort to save my generation from the humiliation and danger that my mother was subjected to when my parents made their choice. I went on to have a very successful career in the years that followed, something I couldn't have done as a single mom.

Eventually, I met the man who would become my husband, and we had two beautiful children together. The eldest had a lot of complications at birth, which continued for five years afterwards. I had stopped working to have a baby, which strained our income. We were already so drained with the medical issues and sleepless years with our new child when I found out I was pregnant again. Just before the second was born, we had to sell our house. We also had a new business we were running, and eventually became too overwhelmed to bridge the gap. Sadly, after years of struggling, strained finances drove us to separate.

A few years later on the day my grandmother died, a stranger raped me. He used a rape drug. I was completely traumatized, but thankfully not impregnated by this psychopath. I certainly wouldn't have wanted another abortion; however, I would have exercised my right to prevent the pregnancy. Already a single mother, I would find it highly irresponsible of me to consider birthing another child without a father that could support it. I already had two that I was having trouble feeding and caring for. For over the years, I've been able to provide health insurance for my children, but not for myself. I have made sure they were fed before me, which left me unfed much of the time. As a result, my health suffered greatly. I would have been in no position or condition to carry a pregnancy to term.

Thankfully I live in a state that supports women's rights, and the law. If the nearest clinic were 1000 miles away, and I’d needed a medication to prevent pregnancy at first signs, or at all, I wouldn’t have been able to afford the gas. Not only would the emotional trauma from the rape have been that much more damaging, but my family would suffer so much more by my not being able to work, and the additional cost of another child. I was already drained and working 20 hours a day to keep afloat. We still struggle, I still have to work extremely long hours, and we’ve never been on welfare. There is so much love in this family, and frankly, we have suffered enough. We just need a fighting chance to improve our lives. As my kids say: "We don't need another sibling; we need a healthy Mommy".

Please share YOUR story with billyfingcain@gmail.com and I will make your story into a blog post. Stay as general as you like. No need to identify anyone. I’m changing names to start with A-Z as the case may be.